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Words In My Mouth

lunch timeI need to preface the following story, which has almost everything to do with today's comic, with the unusual fact that there were eight kids in my family. We did okay on my father's used car-salesman salary but there wasn't much left over at the end of the day. Typically my sibs and I all reaped the benefit of our morning trough and then were summarily shooed into the yard to fend for ourselves until dinner.

But this paradise was not to last as eventually the day came when I was old enough go to school and I was suddenly presented with the puzzling prospect of something called "lunch", manifested by a crumpled paper bag Mother had shoved into my greasy mitts on the way out the door. At the time I could have cared less as I was inundated by all manner of sensations. My very own desk, the smell of chalk and disinfectant, not to mention a room full of potential new victims playmates. It was heady times, indeed.

Precisely at noon on that first day of preparation for my future my comrades and I were trooped into the lunchroom to partake of this aforementioned lunch thing. I found a place to sit and reached deep into the bowels of my little paper bag to find a sandwich carefully wrapped in waxed-paper. It was a single slice of bread, folded, containing a foreign substance which turned out to be egg salad. I'm hungry, so I dig in.

The moment my teeth closed down on that very first bite my little first-grade brain went "HOLY FUCK! THIS IS THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I'VE EVER EATEN IN MY WHOLE GODDAMNED LIFE! WHY HAS MOM BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME!"

Luckily for Mom I'd forgotten the whole incident by the time I got home and probably busied myself tormenting some defenseless creature... like my sisters.

The next day I could hardly wait for lunchtime. "What wonders will await me?", I thought as I fidgeted at my desk. But the moment finally arrived and, upon opening the waxed paper, I recall being a little disappointed to discover it was egg salad again. Worse, after taking a bite all I could think was "Hmm. Too much pepper".

So, like it or not, my life of a malcontent began and, thus far, it ends with today's comic. You all have Mom's cooking to blame.

=Lefty=


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john boehner"We're going to have a relentless focus on creating jobs." - John Boehner, February 10, 2011.

The following is #59 in a list of Republican job creation activities since they gained control of the House in 2011. None, sad to say, have yet to result in one, single new job.

(59) 7-29-2011: The GOP wasted the past two days on its version of a debt ceiling bill that even its own party won't vote for. John Boehner is a miserable failure as both the Majority Leader and as a shepherd for these hard times.

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Fox News Lies!And what manner of lie is Fox News spewing today? They're trying to throw doubt on the science of global warming by referring to volcanoes on the moon. Really!

Click here to help Drop Fox from your cable system.


end rant

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ANTICS

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Today's Google Chow.

The Secret Sex Lives of NPR Listeners.

I touch myself while listening to Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!
After each episode of phone sex I always request a tote bag.
I like to cross-dress as Nina Totenberg cross-dressing as Ira Glass cross-dressing as Carl Kassell.
I furtively listen to Rush Limbaugh. He makes me feel.... dirty.
I send Diane Rehm suggestive Tweets... without using my hands.
I self-mutilate when I listen to A Prairie Home Companion. Why? Doesn't everybody?